A letter which I have never sent…

Dear Bloggers,

Couple of months ago I’ve decided to write a “break-up” letter to let’s call him Mr X. However I never sent the letter. But this is a prologue of my story.

Hey..

I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this for a long time now. But I have always stopped myself from saying what I’ve always wanted to say to you. The thing is I can’t keep doing this. I guess, seeing my friends and my cousin getting married, i realised what i want. I want to be with someone who I can see myself build a future with.

Two and half years ago when you called me and asked if I wanted to resume to where we left off. I was reluctant. I didn’t want to because I was afraid of you leaving/ disappearing on me again like you did three and half years ago when we first started talking. I really cared for you back then more than I realised. It broke me when you stopped speaking to me. So when you called me couple of days after I got back from SA. I wasn’t expecting to hear back from you. But by then I was hurt more then I ever thought I was. I didn’t want to see you because I was afraid, angry and upset. But I did eventually because I had so much I wanted to say to you and apart of me also missed you. Thing is I’ve always been shitty when it comes to confrontation, so whenever I want to express something it usual come out vague and unclear. The reason is because I don’t want to be that clingy annoying irritating typical girl. I thought I knew best. I’ve tried keeping my distance and keep our relationship just as “friends”. But truth is I’m not that kind of girl who can switch off her emotions and not feel anything. I have no idea why I like you, apart from being a sweet ambitious young guy I don’t really know you in the same way I know my friends very well like what type of food you like, what TV shows you are into, how do you like to take your coffee, if you even like coffee or tea etc. Which is strange because after being with somone for that long you should know these little things. But I don’t and you don’t know me. You kept your distance and left us as just being “friends”. But thing is you missed one one thing. Being “just friends” with someone without any consequence will led to one of being heart broken. Unfortunately, I was victim. I know i haven’t been the most easiest girl to be with. I have my own demons which I am battling everyday. I’m trying so hard to become a better person but it’s hard when you don’t show me any emotional support. You shouldn’t have called me two years ago. I was doing just fine without you in my life. I did something amazing. I went South Africa to teach. I did something good. You stopped speaking to me the day my aunty passed away. It took me so long to recover. She meant alot to me and you leaving me didn’t help. But you did came back after two years. However, since the day you came back into my life, I’ve tried pushing you away, but no matter how many times I did that, you always kept calling and texting me non stop. Even after I told you I was “seeing” someone, which I lied. The guy who I told you that I was “seeing” we wasn’t. Nothing happened between us. We were just friends and nothing more. But I told you that lie so you could stop speaking to me. But you still carried on. And since the one lie I told you, i continually kept lying. I wanted to push you away. I didn’t want to fall for you but you kept coming back and I wasn’t strong enough to say no. I allowed you to come back. I never kissed or been with anyone aside from you. Since the day you called me two years ago, you have been the only guy I have been with. I told you I’ve been other guys so you would leave me but I realised now that the longer you kept me in your life the longer I am falling for you. But I can see it’s too late now to repent my mistakes because now you don’t see me the same way you used to see me two years ago. You have changed. I guess in a way so have I.

It’s my fault for pushing you away. I’ve seen other people go through heartbreak and I vowed that I won’t go through that. So any guy who ever came close to me I have always kept my distance. I was good at that until you came into my life. This is probably the first time I have felt what it’s like to be heartbroken. It feels horrid. I now understand why people actually goes through depression when they break up with a guy who they loved once.

I want to end this by saying. I am sorry for all the lies I’ve told you. I have unresolved issues which I need to deal with in my own life but you being in my life isn’t helping. Please stop calling and texting me. I don’t ever want to hear from you. I am sorry this has to end this way but I think it’s the best for the both of us.

You will always be my once upon a time..

Forever yours S x

Clean 9 – Day 8

Hey ho my honey buns, so feeling rather demotivated to go to the gym today. I’m not sure why either. I’ve been really good by making sure I am eating correctly and sticking to my clean 9 programme but I guess with starting a new job my body is yet to adjust with the time structure and waking up stupidly early. I’m used to waking up and having a lay in for a good half an hour before I decide to start my day. I’ve always dreamt of having a full time job and I am glad that I do because now I have a fix schedule which means I can now plan my days around my work life. Today for lunch I had porridge with Jasmine Green Tea with my daily routine of course with my Aloe Vera drink and the tablets which is provided. Finally tomorrow is my last day for my aloe vera detox which I am super happy about. I will weight myself tomorrow and tell you my final result.

For now my lovely healthy eaters..